The Fifth Season

I think that if i had read this just a few years ago, i'd be really excited about it. There's a lot to like here: open and treated-as-typical queerness; polyamory; a little bit of trans; a strong allegorical narrative about the historical and ongoing experience of black folks in the us context that can also resonate with at least some of the experiences of oppressed and exploited groups in other contexts; a strong anarchistic flavor reminiscent of LeGuin (whose influence feels present to me throughout); etc. I think folks should give it a read if they like well-written Sci-Fi that ties together a lot of contemporary discursive threads and paints them beautifully and justly.

For me, though… i dunno. So… i've been wrestling with nihilism for the last year or so, for various reasons. I think i find truths present in the nihilistic outlook, but i… still haven't felt myself entirely drawn to it. To be clear here: i am not necessarily criticizing this outlook; it's a sincere wrestling. I think that for many, nihilism is an earned outlook, is reasonable. The world is full of cruelty, and perhaps it really is true that hope is foolish and we must look merely to doing as much damage to the awful things as we can on our ways out the door. But… i don't feel strengthened, emboldened, empowered, freed by that outlook. I just feel discouraged, disappointed. It makes me shrink back into myself, because i have no desire to bring my vengeance upon the world or upon others, even as many aspects of this life disturb and disgust me.

This book is about the end of the world (to be clear: i have only read the first book of the trilogy, so… who knows about the others), and it's a kind of nihilistic end: a character who has suffered dearly decides to end it at the beginning of the book, perhaps destroying everything forever. And… i can't say that the book disagrees with him—and i can't say that i do, either! But, still… there's an emptiness to it, for me, too. Maybe it's foolish of me to want to feel good about a nihilistic rebellion and vengeance wrought upon the world, but… honestly, what else is there in this life? I want to do and pursue the kinds of things that i can do with my head held high, that i can feel proud of. So… thinking of being a part of the end of the world… i dunno, it makes me feel disappointment, shame, emptiness. Because i don't believe that the world as it is at present is all the world ever could or will be; and i don't think i share the belief that a cruel apocalypse is all that will ever change it… but at the same time i recognize that it's quite valid to feel differently.

So… in the end i did feel beautiful things in the book, but i also feel a kind of ambivalent horror about it, too.

Perhaps that will change in time, or if/when i read the other installments.